I’ve walked the same walk

I hate boxes. Yet I constantly find myself trying to squeeze into them. Squeezing into boxes is what most of us are taught to do from a young age. We receive labels as children and spend the rest of our lives trying to live up to them; you’re so tough, you’re so smart, your so beautiful. Or we spend our lives trying to squeeze into boxes we think we are supposed to be in, like smaller bodies and bigger offices. We are surrounded by messages that tell us these boxes will provide us with happiness so we choose to do everything in our power to contort ourselves to fit into them. Only to find them unfulfilling. Either the goal contortion doesn’t actually bring us the joy we seek or it never feels like we are good enough to properly fit the box. A little piece is always missing, and there is always another level to reach to better fill the box. This act of contortion is so natural and engrained that we often don’t realize we are doing it, and we forget that it is a choice.

When my mom died I began second-guessing the boxes I had been contorting myself to fit into. Her death brought about a new perspective on life and I questioned who I was living my life for. Eventually, it became very clear that I was not living for myself and that my goals were not my own. But, by this time in my life I had spent so much time learning how to shapeshift that I wasn’t sure what my original form was or what my natural dreams and desires were. I followed the only lead I had in my gut to the Peace Corps, and as I have written about in the past, my time in Namibia gave me a clearer view of the boxes I had been contorting myself into and brought transformation that helped me choose to no longer seek to fit those boxes. But it is not an easy choice.

Recently I have felt the pull of two boxes. One calls me to forget about starting my own business and to find a secure corporate job like my peers so that I can settle down, buy a house, and live happily ever after. The other is pushing me toward my coaching business but aims to build it based on a potential for monetary success, rather than success in the form of human impact. My highest self, the core of my being, cares little for either of these boxes. Its wisdom knows that neither will make me feel content or full of joy. Yet, I am not always connected to my highest self, and when I am not the pull of these two ideals wreaks havoc on my brain, causing my mental health and emotional well-being to suffer. 

I spent a good majority of the past two years lost in this battle. Overwhelmed by it, trying to separate from the external call of these two pathways and connect and listen to the call of my highest self. Coaching and therapy brought me the awareness I needed and gave me action steps to move into, but I was still struggling to make that step forward. I still felt paralyzed. Then I journeyed the Camino and it all clicked.

I had been struggling to define the niche population I wanted to serve in my coaching business. I toggled between the ideas of health coaching, confidence coaching, body positivity coaching, and even financial coaching. But none of these labels fit the way I had hoped. They felt unnatural coming from my lips as I told people what type of coach I was. It was frustrating and only added to my paralysis. As I spent 6 weeks walking through Spain along the Camino I developed a closer connection with my highest self. I was reminded that I feel her most when I am alone in nature and discovering new places. With every step, the awareness I had discovered previously in coaching sank in more deeply. As I hiked late one morning I noticed how vibrant and expansive the world around me felt. I heard the gravel crunching beneath my feet, and saw the vibrant contrast of the green grass and the blues sky. I felt the warmth of the sun’s rays hitting my face. I felt a simultaneous lightness and groundedness in my body. I had this overwhelming sensation that I was exactly where I was meant to be, doing exactly what I was called to do. My mind was peaceful and clarity washed over me. This is what I want my clients to feel. This freedom and peace are what I want them to experience. What I realized here, was that the person I wanted to coach, was myself. I wanted to coach the countless women like me who have spent their lives contorting into boxes and are ready to know the freedom and expansiveness of living outside of the box. I wanted to help women shift from following an external path to following an internal one. I want to help women battling the same boxes I spent most of my life battling. Women who have been contorting their bodies and resumes into ones they were never meant to live in. 

As I said before, many of us are contorting ourselves without even realizing it. So let me share a little more in-depth about what living in these boxes feels like. The thoughts and feelings that once encompassed me and I know encompass other women. Maybe even you. 

The box of the perfect body:

You have spent your entire life working to change your body into the one you have been told you're supposed to be in. Your brain is consumed by shoulds: I should be smaller, I shouldn’t eat that, I shouldn’t have eaten that, I should be exercising, I should look like her. You feel alone and like no one understands your struggle. You feel like you can never really be happy until your body has conformed to the right shape. But I see you. I know what it feels like to look in the mirror and feel disgusted. I know what it feels like to beat yourself up day in and day out for not having enough willpower. I know what it’s like to compare yourself to every woman you meet and feel inadequate if they carry the body you crave, or superior if your body is more conformed. To live in a constant ranking system. I also know what it feels like to find a new mindset. To learn how to have a relationship with your body in which you feel at peace. I know what it is like to go from depriving your body through diet after diet to listening to your body and honoring its hunger signals without remorse. I know what it feels like to go from counting every calorie burned on the elliptical to experiencing movement in my body through challenging it in ways I enjoy like running a marathon and hiking 550 miles across Spain. And I know how to help you find the same transformation if you’re ready for it. I know how to help you question your ideas of what a body is meant to be and where those messages come from. I know how to help you learn to connect to yourself and your beliefs so that you can foster a new relationship with your body. I know how to help you shift your mental energy from constant concerns about your body into energy that can be utilized to support your greatest goals in life. I see you and I feel your journey because I’ve walked it. 

The box of the perfect resume:

You have been told all your life there is a right way, and you’ve walked it. You’re the picture of well-rounded, a natural leader, and your resume shows it. You’ve taken the right steps down the path and excelled at every level, from high school all the way to that dream career. Yet, you never feel that way. You feel like you are never doing enough. You feel like someone else is always doing it better. When your gut tells you you’re not happy, you shut it down by saying you will be happy when you reach the next level. But the next level never satisfies you and with each one of these disappointments, you feel a little more numb. When someone asks you to describe yourself you list bullet points from your resume, but panic inside. The question begets a new question, who are you, and to that, you have no answer. I know that panic well, I have felt its discomfort in my bones. I know how it feels to have put years, money, and energy into a path you thought you were supposed to take, only to find you kind of hate its endpoint. To feel lost because you don’t know what path you want. I also know what it feels like to reconnect with yourself. I know what it feels like to stop defining yourself based on your resume and start defining yourself based on what lives deep at your core. I know what it feels like to tease out society's influential guiding posts and connect to and be guided by your highest self. I know what it feels like to go from chasing the picture laid out for you to chasing a picture you created for yourself. I know this road and I know how to help you take it. I have skills to expand your awareness of why you took the path you were supposed to take, and how it may not be aligned with your highest self. I know how to help you connect to your highest self and envision and create a future that aligns with who you are at your very core. I see you and I feel your journey because I’ve walked it. 

The box that’s been stolen:

You got your shit rocked. You lost someone you love, you’re going through a breakup or divorce, or maybe you lost your job. Something happened and the walls of the box you’ve been living in are coming down. You feel discombobulated and don’t know your next steps. Your path has become obstructed and you can’t see the other side. I know this feeling. I know how out of control it feels to try to direct yourself in the midst of outer and inner chaos. I know what it’s like to feel alone. I know what it feels like to have been made vulnerable by such a shock. I also know what it is like grieve and walk through the pain to the other side. I know what it is like to create a new path and actually find gratitude for what was born out of your loss. I know what it is like to regain a sense of self and find hope and excitement for the future that is different than you once expected. It’s okay to feel lost. Even though you feel alone, you’re not. Our stories are different, but we both know the deep pain of loss. I can stand by you in your grief and when you are ready I can help you connect to what is living within you. I can help you see and create a new future that encompasses what you have learned through your loss and embodies who you are at your core. I see you and I feel your journey because I’ve walked it. 

I am a transformational life coach. I help women step out of the boxes that they have been placed in, and step into an expansive life that they create for themselves. My walk on the Camino reminded me that I was inspired to start coaching because I wanted to help other women discover who they are at their deepest core. I wanted to help them feel alive in the life they are choosing to live. I was reminded that if I was going to talk the talk with these women, I also needed to walk the walk. I needed to continue stepping into the life I had been envisioning and designing for myself, and leave the boxes behind. It lit the fire that resulted in taking action toward living the nomadic lifestyle I had been dreaming about. A lifestyle that allows me to stay connected with my highest self because it is full of nature and new places that make me feel connected. A lifestyle that makes me a better coach.

You don’t have to live in that box. You can choose to step out of it. You can choose your own path. It’s okay that it feels scary. It’s okay that it feels hard. It’s okay that you don’t know how to do it, I’m here to help you figure it out. I have walked the path you are on, and I have learned to walk a new path. One that is right for me. One that is my own. I invite you to walk your path too.